The first few weeks of bringing a baby home are so consuming, and so emotional, and so taxing in a variety of ways.
But that is what I am living right now, and I am determined to survive it with at least a smidgen of grace and beauty.
And by beauty I mean internal peace. I can't even attempt glamour at this point. I won't bore you with my self-esteem woes at this point, but friends, woe is me, at least my self-image!
Despite my weight, despite my eyes that refuse to stay open and are perpetually red rimmed and watery, despite my daily ride on the emotional roller coaster... I can say whole heartedly that each day is better than the last.
I can see windows of opportunity to spend time with each of my boys individually. I can see progress in my understanding of who Joey is as a one-month-old and how to bring out his best (meaning, get him to sleep longer at night). Jack is mellowing out, after a very aggressive and moody couple of weeks and I am learning to better edit my emotions.
With each dip and rise in the day, I am learning to listen to the true thoughts and discard the fears and guilt and stress that wander through my mind as side-effects if sleepless nights.
I am discovering new strength as I trust the Holy Spirit to guide my decisions and I am reveling in small accomplishments. I am learning to weed out needless work and to pour the energy I have into the elements of my life that really matter.
Each day I remind myself that I'm going to be okay. That my husband will still love me even if I'm a little crazy right now. That my children will not be ruined for life if I am not capable of anything more than turning on the TV and preparing frozen meals and that at some point, I am going to sleep for more than an hour at a time.
At this point Jack unplugged the computer (Actually there were about two more paragraphs following this, but they didn't get tucked away with the autosave). My momentum was lost and I have no idea what I was going to say. I can't think of a clean way to wrap up my thoughts after such a long break (I started at around 10 and it is now 4) so, just know, that I'm surviving.
I'm not quite to thriving, but I expect that I'm on my way, and that is a wonderful feeling.