Well, maybe drowning is a might too dramatic and a smidge too dark.
I'm blinded by the ordinary?
Stuffed too the gills with the ordinary?
Paralyzed by the ordinary?
What I'm trying to say is that there are big ideas lurking just outside what I can really focus on. Dreams, hopes, compassion for the world... ideas to implement... prayers to be prayed.
These big things keep popping into my mind. I get little glimmers of "real" thoughts. I feel like I start to ponder something of substance... only to find that there is no space in my brain for these wide and unwieldily considerations.
Each nook and cranny is already filled with the laundry, with counting the hours of sleep I am or am not getting, with questions of what to feed my family, with the budget, with everyday-plain-ol'-life.
I want to be a thinker.
I want to have something interesting or insightful to share with the world, or even just with my husband and girlfriends.
I want to have space to hear God ask me to do crazy-exciting things.
But I am deafened by the theme song for Blue's Clues, the buzz of the monitor when I put Joey down for a nap, and the ticking of the clock that says, "Hurry, hurry... do something IMPORTANT!"
Then, if I can mute all the noise of the world that is telling me that big thoughts are better than baby-thoughts, I remember that I am thinking about wide and unwieldy things.
I'm thinking about how to raise boys who are adventurous and smart and respectful and ready to be amazing husbands and remarkable dads.
I'm thinking about how to be a wife who honors her husband and sends him out to work (or in Andy's case, school) feeling like he's on top of the world and like he has someone cheering him on in all of his ambitions.
And if I remember that the worst that happens if the laundry doesn't get done, is that the laundry isn't done... I have room in my head to know that I have heard God ask me to crazy-exciting, counter-cultural things!
Every day I hear God call me to be gentle when I feel like giving into anger. And I do it! Then I hear Him ask me to do more than was asked of me... and I do it.
I gave up space of my own in pursuit of the adventure God has called my family to for this season.
That is HUGE!
So all of you big ideas. All of you future dreams. All of you thoughts just waiting to be thunk. You can go on waiting.
I'm doing all the things that matter for today.