It also came to my attention that one of the very same friends who mocked my crush-choice has on her list of former infatuations, Adam Sandler.
However, despite our inability to agree on something as foolish as crush-worthy celebrities, we did all enjoy a smashing success of a party this evening.
Have you ever experienced a season when you find that you can't quite hold onto the person you desire, or believe yourself to be? The pressures around you to act/think/be different than you are seem too strong and you find that without realizing it you have given up way more ground then you ever intended?
In short, and to refer to a dreadful cliche, have you ever lost yourself?
Or, you feel like you know where your "you" is but it just doesn't seem to be welcome to those around you?
I know that sounds so dreary.
But that is sort of where I've been.
I spend a lot of time thinking about who I want to be and how to get there.
I invest a lot of energy into my decisions about parenting and wifedom and the many other tiny facets that make up Emily.
Truthfully, I think that is good. I would be neglecting beautiful traits that God built into me if I lived otherwise.
But what I've run into is this: I've hit a place in my life- a season of schedules, living situations, realities of life - that seem to fight hard against my nature. Try as I might to stand up to life, I feel deflated and bruised. And, in a completely unguarded moment, like who I am and the things I used to believe to be wonderful about me, are worthless to this world.
It is verging on miserable. I am trying so desperately to not become bitter or angry or lost. Some days I do better then others. When I look up, away from my obsession with myself, I can know that seasons are temporary and sooner or later the frustrations and difficulties of this season will give way to new beauty and a fresh season.
But boy is it hard work to keep reminding yourself of things that ARE true, but don't FEEL true.
Tonight I co-hosted a party with a dear friend.
We made fancy food, pretty drinks and we somehow found a lovely balance between feeling like grown-ups and including our messy, noisy, delightful children.
I ate bacon-wrapped dates and stuffed mushrooms and salmon ravioli. I made pumpkin creme brulee to celebrate the season that I love. And I chitted and chatted and smiled and laughed with some of the most beautiful women I know. Our families gathered together to form one big, noisy crowd enjoying food and life together.
And I found myself again.
I caught a glimpse of the woman that I know myself to be.
I discovered a moment of respite from the work of reminding myself of truth.
It was so refreshing. She's in there. She might not be all bright and shiny and able to take on the world RIGHT NOW, but she's not gone. That woman, ME, is still beautiful and still capable and still valuable.
I'm not sure how to capture that assurance for the remainder of the hard days, but for tonight, I will go to be satisfied and delighted, thanking Jesus for bacon and blue cheese and friends that share the best of themselves with me - and invite me to do the same.
Thank you dear friends.