What happens when you say yes?

More and more I am learning to appreciate the life I am living.

We have been back in Washington for a wee bit more than four months now, and just within the last few weeks, I feel like I have “woken up” from the fog and fatigue that come with big changes. 

I was trying to express to a friend the liberation I was feeling and she asked me if I could pinpoint a reason for the change in my mood and outlook.

Well, for one, the sun has been out for almost a whole week, which I realize goes a LONG way with me. I will have to be mindful of that on grey and drizzly days.

I also have had some kid-free time to wander and enjoy silence. Another piece of the puzzle of knowing myself better. For as much as I love hustle and bustle, I NEED silence. 

And to make the final crack in my shell of survival mode, I have put words to my dreams and set my feet on a path to make them happen.

That is no small matter, I assure you.

Dreaming is hard work. It is incredibly scary to say out loud what you wish for in your heart. What if people laugh? Or worse (for me) what if someone thinks you can’t, or shouldn’t do it...

Yes, very scary.

But as I have been mulling over what makes my heart come alive, what gets me excited and what I gravitate to over and over, I have come to the conclusion that it is much more dangerous to try and silence a dream that it is to chase it.

There are parts of my longing that will have to be patient. I give them space to grow and nod to me, but because of either time, or skill, or finances, they just can’t happen right now. For many months that was frustrating to me. I felt stifled. Like I was suffocating under the weight of the things I couldn’t do RIGHT NOW.

Until I started looking for all the things that I CAN do. 

Because every end goal has tiny steps that need to be taken to get there. Every skill worth developing is built with small blocks that add up to something big in the end.

So, I started looking for the tiny ways I could move forward. 

I started to say yes.

And when I started to say yes, instead of focusing on the no... The way opened up before me.

I am feeling a bit dramatic as I type this. 

But I am really, really excited.

I feel as if I have pushed my boat out into a strong current and its momentum is pulling me along. 

I try and steel myself for the day when I have to do the hard work of paddling my boat, but for this very moment, I am enjoying the swift and exhilarating ride down this river.

To say yes. To acknowledge the want and to DO SOMETHING about it is a wonderful feeling.

I hope, dear friends, that you find some space to let dreams spring up. 

Find the courage to say yes to the little things.

Look at what you CAN do, right now, and do it. 

Let hope and enthusiasm meet you as you celebrate each step in the right direction. 

And silence the voice that wonders if your dream is big enough and godly enough and good enough. If you listen to that voice you will do nothing. So quiet it and go do SOMETHING!

Panties... Again

Do you know that horrible sinking feeling when you rush to get ready for the day, and about eight hours later - when you eventually find yourself in front of a mirror, you discover that you have had the most awkward panty line ALL DAY...

Or,

If you find when you come home from, oh, EVERYWHERE, after the gym and you take off your black gym pants to discover that there is a gaping hole in the backside and that your red, red, red panties have been displayed to the universe...

In case you didn't guess,

this happened.

Two weeks ago.

Horrible, horrible discovery!

Or,

When you thought you learned your lesson about talking about panties on a blog, but you continue to do it anyway...

Do you know that feeling?

Actually,

that last one has nothing

to do with that same feeling.

I'm just pointing out the same fact

that you will all notice,

that I should have learned my

lesson already,

but haven't.

Well, I've had that same shivering, heavy, blushing feeling in my stomach for the last two days.

Except the sensation is coming from something much more significant than issues with undergarments.

I've been wearing something that doesn't fit.

Not clothing, but an idea.

When I picked up this idea, this way of thinking, it seemed like the right size.

But just like those pants with a hole in them, this belief has left me exposed.

Today, I discovered that I don't have the slightest idea who Jesus is.

I've loved God and given him a lot of significance in my life, for a very long time.

I am very good at being very Christian.

But today, I realized that while I love God, I have been loving and serving and surrendering to a very secular, and very wrong feeling about who God is.

Here is my problem. My panty line if you will.

I assume God has limited resources.

I put on this idea about God, and try and fit my life smoothly over it.

But the idea is too tight. It doesn't fit. The rest of my life looks bulky and bumpy and ugly, trying to rest over that understanding of God.

When I believe that God has limited resources, I don't ask him for much.

I, the generous and people-pleasing soul that I am, try and ease God's burden.

I think, "I won't ask for much, because God has to save his energy for people who REALLY need it."

I will work really hard, and be really good, so that God doesn't have to do much to keep my life going, after all, he is awfully busy.

The problem is, living that way doesn't require any faith.

It doesn't build relationship.

Or joy.

Or hope.

Or passion.

The idea that God is limited and that my job on this earth is to be one less person who requires something of him is not only ridiculous, it is WRONG.

There is nothing small about God.

There is nothing limited in him.

Quite the opposite.

God is OVERFLOWING.

What happens to my world if instead of trying to make God's load lighter, I begin to recognize his power and ability and DESIRE to pour out on me, and through me to the world?

Well...

The answer is that ANYTHING can happen.

If I begin to believe what the bible says about Jesus and his relationship to his father, and his good gift of the Holy Spirit, then suddenly I have to believe that when the bible says he is able to do more than we can ask or imagine... it really means he is able!

If I ask him to do more that I imagine, and I only imagine an average, uneventful life - sure, God can do more than that. I could have a pleasant and comfortable life.

But what if I asked God for something big?

Am I willing to believe that he could... WOULD... do even more than big?

I met an incredible man this weekend. He prayed joyfully and fearlessly for healing for people around me. Some people were healed, some were not. He said people always ask him, "What if you pray and nothing happens." When asked this question he responded energetically, "What if it DOES?!"

I've been walking around with my insecurities and fears bulging out of what I've thought about who God is. I have been prancing around, swinging my opinions, thinking everything fit, only to discover that my ideas and understanding are unflattering and ill-fitting, leaving me exposed.

Exposed to more fear, more insecurity, more foolishness.

So I'm changing my clothes.

I'm putting on something that fits.

God is not only good, he is able.

He has no lack.

And I am made in his image.

He has instructed me to ASK.

So from here out, I'm going to ask, and I'm going to ask big.

Ask for healing, ask for miracles, ask for favor and joy...

And in case you are getting worried,

I don't want to

"name it and claim it,"

and I don't really have a deep conviction

that I DESERVE

to have over-flowing bank accounts.

Those images

have probably

had something to do with

my retreat from believing

that God is abundant...

I don't want to be that

(greedy, self-promoting, entitled),

so I responded by

not asking for anything...

Stop for a moment.

Where have you been afraid to "bother" God?

What question have you wanted to ask, but haven't felt like it ranks on the list of REAL needs?

What would happen if you asked God TODAY to fulfill that desire in your heart?

You say, "But what if I ask and God doesn't answer?"

To which I respond to you dear friend,

WHAT IF HE DOES?

Pray big.

Bacon-Wrapped Revival

It came to my attention this evening that several of my friends were totally baffled by my fluttery feelings toward J.J. While I won't make a further fool of myself by expounding on the finder qualities of Survivor's most recent castoff, I will just say, "Jimmy, I'll miss your smile."

It also came to my attention that one of the very same friends who mocked my crush-choice has on her list of former infatuations, Adam Sandler.

Really?

Adam Sandler?

However, despite our inability to agree on something as foolish as crush-worthy celebrities, we did all enjoy a smashing success of a party this evening.

...

Have you ever experienced a season when you find that you can't quite hold onto the person you desire, or believe yourself to be? The pressures around you to act/think/be different than you are seem too strong and you find that without realizing it you have given up way more ground then you ever intended?

In short, and to refer to a dreadful cliche, have you ever lost yourself?

Or, you feel like you know where your "you" is but it just doesn't seem to be welcome to those around you?

I know that sounds so dreary.

But that is sort of where I've been.

I spend a lot of time thinking about who I want to be and how to get there.

I invest a lot of energy into my decisions about parenting and wifedom and the many other tiny facets that make up Emily.

Truthfully, I think that is good. I would be neglecting beautiful traits that God built into me if I lived otherwise.

But what I've run into is this: I've hit a place in my life- a season of schedules, living situations, realities of life - that seem to fight hard against my nature. Try as I might to stand up to life, I feel deflated and bruised. And, in a completely unguarded moment, like who I am and the things I used to believe to be wonderful about me, are worthless to this world.

It is verging on miserable. I am trying so desperately to not become bitter or angry or lost. Some days I do better then others. When I look up, away from my obsession with myself, I can know that seasons are temporary and sooner or later the frustrations and difficulties of this season will give way to new beauty and a fresh season.

But boy is it hard work to keep reminding yourself of things that ARE true, but don't FEEL true.

Tonight I co-hosted a party with a dear friend.

We made fancy food, pretty drinks and we somehow found a lovely balance between feeling like grown-ups and including our messy, noisy, delightful children.

I ate bacon-wrapped dates and stuffed mushrooms and salmon ravioli. I made pumpkin creme brulee to celebrate the season that I love. And I chitted and chatted and smiled and laughed with some of the most beautiful women I know. Our families gathered together to form one big, noisy crowd enjoying food and life together.

And I found myself again.

I caught a glimpse of the woman that I know myself to be.

I discovered a moment of respite from the work of reminding myself of truth.

It was so refreshing. She's in there. She might not be all bright and shiny and able to take on the world RIGHT NOW, but she's not gone. That woman, ME, is still beautiful and still capable and still valuable.

I'm not sure how to capture that assurance for the remainder of the hard days, but for tonight, I will go to be satisfied and delighted, thanking Jesus for bacon and blue cheese and friends that share the best of themselves with me - and invite me to do the same.

Thank you dear friends.

Sick Day

Last night I was sick.

Really Sick.

This evening Andy asked me, "Are you going to tell people about it?" and I emphatically said "No!" I said, "Are YOU going to tell people about it?" He assured me that the details are mine to keep. I figure "it" - believe me, "it" needs the quotation marks! - will become one of those stories a few years down the road that we pull out to demonstrate how our marriage has developed and why we remain so deeply in love. But it really will have to wait a few years.

Moving on...

After two long naps and a glass of apple juice, I was well enough to sit on the couch. But that was about it.

Luckily, Jack was a dream today. It was all I could manage to select a show for him to watch from our DVR. Usually, if I have too many shows on in a day I notice that he gets really feisty and sassy from being too sedentary and having too little of my attention. But today he entertained himself and told me cute stories and at random moments would come kiss my hair or coo at Joey.

When I did turn the tv off he curled up on the couch with me and Joey and played a game he invented which involved him trying to stick a turquoise rock in my belly button. He thought it was hilarious. I usually hate having my belly button (not my belly... my belly button) touched, but I made an exception because he liked it so very much.

I would like you to know

that I almost

wrote a little quip

about expecting his hand

to get lost in the folds of my tummy

but I didn't

because,

well,

it isn't true.

I love this body of mine that has

grown and birthed two sweet boys.

I will continue to love and care for it

regardless of what I want it to be - right now

or what it once was and no longer is.

Despite feeling so yucky, I thought, "This is a sweet life."

In other news:

At six-weeks postpartum, something magical happened. I don't remember such a sudden shift with Jack (I don't remember a lot about those first few months with Jack), but with Joey, the first few weeks I really wondered if I was going to bounce back.

Now, things are still hard. I'm still tired, but life seems manageable. The shift was so dramatic that I wondered if there is some hormone flush that happens at that point, or if that is how long it takes your body to acclimate to a torturous sleep cycle... or if there is some other physiological change that happens exactly at that milestone.

It could be that, or it could just be that I have mastered a few essential life skills with two babies:

• I can pack the diaper bag, get them out the door and load them into the van all by myself.
• I can nurse Joey and walk, if needed, to retrieve destructive or noisy toys from Jack.
• I can bathe both boys at the same time.
• I can leave the house without my hair fixed and not feel all that bad about it.
• And I survived Andy being gone for a full four days... joyfully!

In addition to the practical skills, I think I've let go of some pretty harsh expectations I've had for myself (see above, tummy side note). Everyone in my life loves me, regardless of how put together I look when go out, or how much I do or don't get done, or even how much more frequently I struggle to be patient with Jack and fail.

I am loved.

And recognizing that has lifted a load.

I know that there are many good days and many hard days before me. But this evening, I am once again enjoying the journey. God has good things in store for this family and I am so happy to be where I am.

Between Me and God

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:

He gathers the lambs in his arms

and carries them close to his heart;

he gently leads those who have young."

Isaiah 40:11

That is what I need at this moment.

Gentle leading.

I have been trying to push myself. To lead myself. But not gently. With guilt or with pride, or even with anger some days.

But my leading is erratic. I take long detours. I am not well planned. I try to show myself the way and I get lost.

And tired.

And sad.

And confused.

But here is the light. I KNOW that shepherd. I am part of his flock.

And I have young!

So I get to be led gently. I get to follow someone who knows what the heck is going on!

And someone who has compassion on me in this season of my life.

I don't have to do the packing. I don't have to make the plans. I don't have to schedule a babysitter.

This trip is one that is all taken care of.

I get to follow the gracious leader.

Do you hear that?

It is a sigh of relief.

It is me setting down everything that I packed "just in case" and realizing that all the things that I need have already been taken care of.

The other great thing about gentle leading is that it implies that I am still going somewhere.

Mothering a toddler sometimes feels quite restrictive. Choices seem limited and most days I spend more time doing things that "empty my tank" than things that fill it. Sometimes I just feel stuck, like I've ground to a halt as a woman, as a wife, as a person in general.

But not so!

If I am being led (or more correctly, if I am following) that means that I am on the move. Somewhere. Anywhere. I don't know where. But I know that I'm not stuck. I'm not frozen. I'm not paralyzed.

Oh Lord! Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for taking a life that has begun to feel lifeless and breathing your strength into it. You truly are a glorious God.

Spoken To

Yesterday, after a day of trying to reconcile my emotions to truth, I walked into church and was handed this note by a sweet friend:

"Emily, there are dreams and visions in your heart, put there by God himself.  Write them down and continue to trust the God that will complete the amazing stuff he has begun in you."

Accompanying the card was a pocket-sized notebook with "ideas... can change the world" on the cover. 

Immediately tears started to roll down my cheeks.  My sweet friend came over for a hug and told me how the gift came about.  As she escaped to Starbucks between services (she's an employee at our church and Sundays are super busy for her) for some quiet time, she saw the notebook and "just knew" she had to get it for me.  In her words, it was one of those "Holy Spirit Moments." She felt silly, but did it anyway.

I can not tell you how amazing it was to be reminded that God cares for me.  For the teeny, tiny details of my life.  

While I love motherhood, it has changed the way I dream.  Where I used to see endless possibility, I for some reason now see roadblocks and insignificance. I struggle daily to see my activities as worship, not as worthless. 

I get trapped in the smallness of my life and forget that God sees so much further than today.  

More significantly than that.  I think I also forget that God CARES.  But he does!  He sees me, he remembers me.  He is responsible for those dreams that I keep tucked away.  And, if I were very, very honest, I might say that he doesn't even want them to be tucked away, that some of them are for now, and I am just too afraid to believe that. 

In October I wrote this.  It is still fresh in my life.  I still need to remember these truths.  

My prayer for us - as women, as wives, as mothers, as lovers of Jesus - is that we would see what God is doing.  That we would see beauty, in ourselves and around us.  That we would be courageous and know truth.  That the world would be changed because of women who believe God's promises.  

I hope that today you are encouraged and that you allow yourself to be reminded of God's care.  The small things matter.  You matter. 

Peace and Joy to you friends.

The Chase

I wonder how many hours and tears and thousands of dollars I have spent in the pursuit of beauty.  

A lot of days (maybe... almost, most days) I feel like I keep my beauty cravings in check, but then a day like today comes along and I am reminded of the true state of my heart. 

Today was haircut day.  I intended to just look at a few pictures of styles before I went to my appointment, but before I realized what I was doing, I had spent an hour looking at pictures of Victoria Beckham's beautiful hair AND perfect face AND sculpted body and losing every ounce of confidence I've ever had, all the while forming a list of the items I simply must acquire to up my beauty quotient - none of which I actually need. Why do I so easily buy into the culture of beauty when I know it is not what I want? (actually, I really do want to be beautiful... just not in that worldly, expensive way)

The hope of coming home more lovely than I left is always there on haircut day. Sometimes I cry when I realize that a trim didn't change the scale or shrink my nose or give me more money to buy all of the high-fashion accessories that I crave. Sometimes I keep my head and heart straight and just go about the business of getting my hair cut.  And every so often I am able to be totally pleased with me, just the way I am. 

Today my hair turned out fine... but not like the picture of Posh (ya think?!).  I confess that left me disappointed.  Silly girl that I am.  Maybe one day I won't be won over by that foolish hope and cruel disappointment, but today, again, I was.

But here's the crux: 

I serve a creative God.  He thought of and executed everything beautiful on this planet.  I firmly believe that my love of beauty starts as something holy, delight in what He has crafted and designed, but it quickly becomes distorted, misplaced and cheap.  Instead of being in awe of HIM, the creator, I identify the creation and admire, verging on worship, it.  I want it to be the other way around.  I want to be transformed by the creator, not transfixed by the creation.

Oh Lord, please forgive me.  Change my heart.  Give me a new measure of beauty.  Make me aware of what influences me and what I allow to speak into my heart. Strengthen me to live in a way that admires beauty, but is not consumed by it. Thank you for your faithfulness.  And thank you for all things beautiful.

Something Big

I confess a dream that some day I will do something big.  It isn't pride, a notion that I am great and will do great things, it is more of a sense of calling, a dissatisfaction with mundane.  

But today is Monday and that means I do a lot of little things.  I play with Dane, I play with Jack.  I feed Dane, I feed Jack.  I play peek-a-boo and I get peed on.  We make a big mess and  I clean it up... Mondays are filled with ordinary.

In the midst of all these commonplace activities, I still feel that draw to BIG.  It seems like each of the ordinary undertakings of my life are preparing me for whatever that big thing might be.

I want to be a woman who influences, who inspires, who challenges and who calls out the amazing in other people.  

But I want the best of both worlds.  I want to cherish the little moments that are shaping me while I wait expectantly for the big events.  I want to relish the sweet smiles of my baby and the conversations with friends. Each of my every day tasks are giving me a chance to grow, to learn and to store up credibility.  

Lord, give me the strength and wisdom to do the ordinary tasks well and to dream your dreams.