Bacon-Wrapped Revival

It came to my attention this evening that several of my friends were totally baffled by my fluttery feelings toward J.J. While I won't make a further fool of myself by expounding on the finder qualities of Survivor's most recent castoff, I will just say, "Jimmy, I'll miss your smile."

It also came to my attention that one of the very same friends who mocked my crush-choice has on her list of former infatuations, Adam Sandler.

Really?

Adam Sandler?

However, despite our inability to agree on something as foolish as crush-worthy celebrities, we did all enjoy a smashing success of a party this evening.

...

Have you ever experienced a season when you find that you can't quite hold onto the person you desire, or believe yourself to be? The pressures around you to act/think/be different than you are seem too strong and you find that without realizing it you have given up way more ground then you ever intended?

In short, and to refer to a dreadful cliche, have you ever lost yourself?

Or, you feel like you know where your "you" is but it just doesn't seem to be welcome to those around you?

I know that sounds so dreary.

But that is sort of where I've been.

I spend a lot of time thinking about who I want to be and how to get there.

I invest a lot of energy into my decisions about parenting and wifedom and the many other tiny facets that make up Emily.

Truthfully, I think that is good. I would be neglecting beautiful traits that God built into me if I lived otherwise.

But what I've run into is this: I've hit a place in my life- a season of schedules, living situations, realities of life - that seem to fight hard against my nature. Try as I might to stand up to life, I feel deflated and bruised. And, in a completely unguarded moment, like who I am and the things I used to believe to be wonderful about me, are worthless to this world.

It is verging on miserable. I am trying so desperately to not become bitter or angry or lost. Some days I do better then others. When I look up, away from my obsession with myself, I can know that seasons are temporary and sooner or later the frustrations and difficulties of this season will give way to new beauty and a fresh season.

But boy is it hard work to keep reminding yourself of things that ARE true, but don't FEEL true.

Tonight I co-hosted a party with a dear friend.

We made fancy food, pretty drinks and we somehow found a lovely balance between feeling like grown-ups and including our messy, noisy, delightful children.

I ate bacon-wrapped dates and stuffed mushrooms and salmon ravioli. I made pumpkin creme brulee to celebrate the season that I love. And I chitted and chatted and smiled and laughed with some of the most beautiful women I know. Our families gathered together to form one big, noisy crowd enjoying food and life together.

And I found myself again.

I caught a glimpse of the woman that I know myself to be.

I discovered a moment of respite from the work of reminding myself of truth.

It was so refreshing. She's in there. She might not be all bright and shiny and able to take on the world RIGHT NOW, but she's not gone. That woman, ME, is still beautiful and still capable and still valuable.

I'm not sure how to capture that assurance for the remainder of the hard days, but for tonight, I will go to be satisfied and delighted, thanking Jesus for bacon and blue cheese and friends that share the best of themselves with me - and invite me to do the same.

Thank you dear friends.

Permission

At 11:00 this morning I was pretty sure that I was a domestic wonder woman.  I had already been to the gym, done a load of dishes, baked whole wheat pumpkin muffins (which I have yet to taste) and made my own pumpkin spice latte to save myself $3.40. Mentally I was making plans to walk Jack to the store to pick up some fresh, crusty bread for the gourmet dinner I plan on making this evening, clean Jack's room (a project that has been on my list for... um.. about three months) and tackle the laundry.   

A beautiful autumn day can inspire like that.

However, it is now after 3:00 pm and I'm tired folks. My sink is already full of the next load of dishes which has squelched my cleaning motivation and Jack is uncommonly cranky and needy which makes it very difficult to settle into a major project. 

Sigh.  

So I've changed my plans.  

I'm just going to go with the flow.  

No one has asked me to be a domestic diva.  That is all my own ambition (and perhaps not a holy one).  

I have a sweet boy who I think would really enjoy a walk to the park and a ride on the swing.  I have a loving husband who will be home soon and will rave over whatever meal I put in front of him.  I have a house that is warm and will survive yet another day of disorder. 

So why stress?  I made muffins right? I say that is a pretty great accomplishment for the day.  

So if you are having one of those days too, where your "I'll hopefully get this done today" list is woefully un-checked, I hereby give you permission to set it aside.  Order is good.  Accomplishment is good.  But friends, let's be okay with just having fun once in a while.  

So, be free!  Frolic and delight in the simple pleasures of today.  The lists can wait until tomorrow.  

Pumpkin Day with Ellery

First of all, let it be known that Ellery is probably the cutest little girl to ever have lived.  Everything about her is charming.  She is everything good about a little girl!

Oh Ellery, how I love you!  

If you don't know my little sister, here is a picture of her in all her glory:

Last Wednesday I was very excited because Ellery's preschool was taking a trip to the pumpkin patch and Jack and I received invitations to come along.  Imagine my delight!  Not only a trip to the pumpkin patch, but an outing with my sweet Ellery!

So Wednesday arrived and I was up bright and early, dressed and just waiting for the wonderful day to begin.  Then...

uh oh.

The phone rang.

It was my mom.

"Ellery has a fever."

So sad!  Ellery's words were an emphatic and pathetic, "I hate my fever."

My mom offered her the option to still try and go, but Ellery decided to stay home because, in her words, "I don't want any other kids to get my fever."

So after a little chat with my mom, I decided to go pick up some pumpkins at the grocery store and bring them over for my wee sis to either paint or carve.  

I went to Top Foods and picked out some various sizes of the orange gourd and made my way to my mom's house.  

When I arrived Ellery was still in her nightgown.  I unloaded my bag of pumpkins and displayed them for her to choose which she wanted to decorate.  I made sure to tell her that Jack picked out several of them because he thought she would like them.  She always asks me to interpret Jack's coos and noises.  "What's he say?"  

I told Ellery she could choose between carving the pumpkins or painting them.  I secretly hoped that she would want to carve them, but she opted for the painting. So we got out all my mom's paint, covered the table with newspaper, and set up our project.  

She listed out all the colors that she wanted to use.  It started with pink, yellow and purple, but eventually she declared, "I love all colors!" and asked for a little bit of each color to put on her pumpkin.  

The first one she painted had a pink smiley face and then a multicolored "dress."  Her second pumpkin was bigger and was decorated with colored sections then covered in glitter.  

Her third pumpkin was sort of a game.  She would put one color on and then pick another color to add.  She would ask me what color it was going to make when she mixed them.  She asked me what it was going to make when she added white and black.  I told her grey.  "It does make grey!  You are always right!"  Let me tell you, it is a good feeling to have your little sister think you are always right.  

Her fourth pumpkin was actually one that I covered in purple glitter.  She loved it and asked to keep it.  How can you turn her down?  (I ended up making a second one for my house.  When Lizzie saw it she yelled so loud in her excitement that she made Jack cry) The photo doesn't do it justice, so just imagine a little pumpkin painted purple and then completely covered in the most sparkly, ultra fine purple glitter you can buy.  That will give you an idea of what it looks like. 

Ellery's pumpkins.  The white one is the "game" pumpkin and the little orange one is the "girl wearing a dress."

My Pumpkins

At one point I was emptying her water cup and washing off her brushes so she could use a new color and Ellery said to my mom, "Emily is so helpful!"

After cleaning up our mess I think she remembered that she was sick and curled up in a pitiful little ball on the couch.  

Jack ended up taking a nap and I told my mom she could go nap too.  So my pumpkin day with Ellery ended with both of us on the couch watching The Lion King.  We watched until the part that Mufassa dies which was too sad for her. Oh my sweet sister. It was a great day!