This Does Not Bode Well

This morning I planned to take Jack and Joey to the zoo to meet one of our little people for a field trip.

We showed up to communicate in the small ways that we think she is important, but it turns out that she just wanted to say hi for a minute and stick with her class.

So I wandered the zoo with my two boys and loved hearing their little voices and big ideas. I gave Jack a few dollar bills to buy a balloon and when I told him he could run over and pick one out he moved faster than I have ever seen.

He was thrilled by it for all of three minutes and then asked me to carry it (after Joey proved incapable of holding it correctly).

But... this story is mostly about what happened on the way to the zoo.

Of course I had to stop for coffee. My supply at home is all for hot beverages and I have yet to learn how to make a delicious iced latte for myself. So I ordered my drink and a tidbit for Jack and waited in line for my turn to welcome a scrumptious and necessary caffeinated treat.

Usually when I drive I relish the way the car gets so warm and toasty. I let it heat up and then I alternately am pleased at the cool sensation of turning on my air conditioning and feeling all the little hairs on my arm be blown about and my cheeks cooled.

As I ordered my coffee I had been letting the car get to the warm point in anticipation of my iced drink. So when I pulled up to the window you can imagine my surprise when very cold air began blowing into my vehicle.

Um.

In Arizona, apparently, there are air conditioners that blow into your car as you wait at the drive thru.

This is not a good sign.

I have been enjoying the perfect 85 degrees every day.

People keep telling me, "just wait" and I have been laughing and agreeing that pretty soon I'll be one overheated and grumpy girl.

But it wasn't until I realized that it will become hot enough to necessitate AC for the brief moment you roll down your window to receive your iced coffee that I really started to worry.

I'm really in trouble here.

I was not built for the heat.

I am about as fair as they come. The only person I know who is more pale than I am is Jack (who, as it turns out, HATES having sunscreen applied to his face. Oh joy!). I enjoy wearing clothes that cover my body and I not sure how I am going to manage to accumulate a wardrobe of clothes that are modest enough for my tastes (I'm totally not over the top when it comes to modesty, but so many of the clothes that come out in the summer can be appalling!) yet will keep me from dropping dead the minute I walk out the door, or, as it seems, roll down my window at Starbucks.

Oh friends, the heat is coming!

Just be prepared that starting in two weeks, when you check this blog it will mostly say, "IT IS SO HOT!" for about four months.

I'll try and get creative with the wording so you don't get bored, but the idea will be there.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Trial By Fire

Andy and I have now finished our first week of in-home work. We relieved a couple so that they could have a week off. After a crash-course of how their house worked they handed over their keys and left us to the lions.

I felt a little foolish during training, but I made a special point to ask what I was allowed to talk about on this here blog, in regards to the kids who Andy and I are interacting with.

You will be happy to know that I can still share about this adventure, I just have to be vague in reference to the kids. No names, no ages, no identifying details. I knew, going into this ministry, that I would be working with kid who needed a safe place and a refuge from unhealthy and unsafe families and situations, but until this week I didn't KNOW.

I spent Wednesday night sitting with a young woman as she experienced an intense flashback to the brutal events that brought her to GAP. She was mentally trapped in a memory of abuse. She couldn't hear me, but she gripped my hand as she screamed and moaned. Andy was upstairs with some of the high school boys, and each time they moved or came into view she was terrified.

After a consultation with her therapist I got her a drink of water and lead her, unseeing, to sit outside. As we sat on the porch swing, she calmed down. When she could hear me, I started to tell random stories. Anything that I could think about that was unrelated to the world she knows. I talked about my mom's new paint colors, about moths, about driving to Arizona.

Eventually, she sat limply on the swing, but started to ask me questions. She asked about how Andy and I met, and about school and about why we moved. After a long time of swinging and talking, she said she was ready for bed.

I got her another drink of water and stayed up while she brushed her teeth and put her pajamas on. In the morning she acted like it wasn't a major event and just moved on with her day.

At some points of the week, we felt like we the girlfriend in "The Parent Trap." Kids hid things from us (the phone and remote) they told us tall tales, they frightened us with the realities of bobcats and javelinas (okay, that was just me that they scared)

Javelinas,

in case you are like me and

have never heard of them,

are a sort of wild pig.

Sometimes called, a skunk-pig.

They travel in packs and

are highly aggressive.

They have large, sharp canine teeth

and a gland somewhere on their body

that can produce a stench kin to a skunk.

They eat cactus and small children, so I've been told.

They are blind-ish and as a result travel about at

dusk and dawn.

They terrify me.

They have taken on a mythical quality

of evil and if I see one, I might decide to

scream.

In the course of two days I was told that I was beautiful, and that I was ugly. That I was cool, and that I was mean (said with as much venom as a frustrated elementary school boy could muster). Kids jumped up to help us when we asked, or they jumped up, literally, on counters and couches in an attempt to exactly the opposite of what we asked.

I worked with two elementary schoolers who could barley read and struggled to write.

Andy did impromptu workouts outside and the boys thought it was a treat to do lunges across the driveway.

I prepared food according the the mandatory menu (the menu will have to be a whole other post, or two or three) and I also whipped up food that got rave reviews from the kids. I consider it a personal triumph that in a house of seven kids, from elementary to high school, every child but one ate the asparagus I made and asked for seconds and thirds. And that happened after many cries of dismay when I pulled it out of the grocery bag.

One teen in our care took a special liking to Andy. Though he also like to spin stories and push the boundaries, he seemed to battle within himself - "do I want to help these newbies, or do I want to make it miserable for them?" He did a little bit of both, but when he said, "You guys are weird. I've never met anyone as weird as you." He said it with a hint of admiration and later in the week he casually dropped the suggestion, a few times, that when we have our own SPLASH house we should ask for him to come live with us.

Andy and I both felt like we were able to, by God's grace and strength, to handle each event that came our way. We developed genuine care for the kids we were with and I cherished the moment that the boy who fought with me the most asked me to come read and pray with him before bed.

Both Jack and Joey got fevers while we were there and Andy was attacked by some sort of sickness early in the week. When he went to bed by 8:00, I managed the house by myself and it was fine. I remained healthy until we left and as soon as I was in the car I was struck by what I think was my first-ever migraine. I sat motionless in the van as we drove home. Then I went straight upstairs to throw-up and fall hard-asleep for a few hours. Andy, the champion of all husbands, took the boys to the park and left the house silent for me to rest. When I woke up I felt a million times better and ate a little dinner before turning in early.

At the beginning of this venture I wasn't sure I was going to be able to say that it would be "fun," but after this week, I can say that it will be. I loved almost every minute of this week. I love the kids and I love the staff of this ministry. I love my husband and was amazed again by him as I watched him interact with the kids.

Yesterday afternoon we learned that we may be in our own house very quickly. We toured it and Andy and I both agreed that we could make it our home. It is in the process of being cleaned and stocked with furniture, and though it is not ready our program director said that if she received a call today with a sibling set of six kids, she would send them to that house and tell us to get there ASAP.

Andy and I still are working out how we will make sure to give our boys the individual time and attention that we want them to have, but we feel like we have time to make those discoveries.

Last night, as we both sat with Jack and told stories and prayed, Jack wrapped his arms around our necks and said, in the tone of voice that belongs only to sleepy preschoolers, "I love you guys."

We love you too Jack.

We love you too!

We have today and tomorrow to rest and do laundry and then on Monday we walk into another house. A new set of kids and a new routine.

If you had asked me four months ago what I though of someone who did this job, I would have immediately thought of all of the hard parts. But today, I see the hard parts only in light of the miracle of being able to, even for just a few days, communicate to a child that they are safe and cared for and important.

And that Jesus loves them.

Today, I am amazed.

Surprise Ending!

In the few days I have been here, I have made several big shopping trips.

It takes a lot to restock a house! Cleaning supplies, groceries ... you never think about having to buy all your condiments. You just know that when you open the fridge there will be mayo and ketchup and dressing and mustard and sun dried tomatoes ... until you move ... and there is nothing! And if you forget to buy baking soda, well then, you can't make muffins!

But anyhow, I have been to a lot of stores lately. And and each store I have come home to discover that one (or more!) of the items I purchased had a broken safety seal, or no seal at all... or that the bag had been cut open on the back and taped with masking tape!

I'm not sure what to do about this phenomenon.

Is it a southwest thing?

I suppose I have taken it for granted that if I toss a bag of basmati rice into my shopping cart that the package will be intact. Or that if I bring home a jar of peanut butter it will be sealed for freshness (I have had three faulty jars of peanut butter in the last week - different stores, different brands). Perhaps I have expected too much. Perhaps it is time that I carefully analyze each product I place in my cart before I make it to the checkout line. Perhaps I will start writing polite, but straightforward letters to the stores and distribution companies and receive hundreds of dollars of free products to make up for the inconvenience of having to return or repurchase staple items. Perhaps I don't have enough time or energy for that and I will just start praying over each poorly packaged item I discover and hope that my family is not poisoned.

In addition to this disturbing trend, I have also discovered that Fry's is most definitely not Fred Meyer.

...

Wait!

GAH!!!

I was just about to post a side note and discovered that I no longer can find the right-justified button on my blog options! How I am supposed to give you a side note in the center of my blog?? How? Someone, please tell me how to fix this problem!

Side Note: Please imagine it on the actual SIDE of the post.
I know that you remember when my Everett CrossFit trainer commented on the perviously linked Fred Meyer post. You will be horrified (and probably delighted by the awkwardness of it all) to know that throughout my time working out there he referred to that post (and several other embarrassing ones, including giving Andy the nickname "huge") on a regular basis.

I must now tell you, this is the end of the side note, as I don't have the clear signal of the text returning to its regular position.

Side note. End. Now.

...

So Fry's. It is not Fred Meyer.

Our landlords were describing the best places for groceries and likened Fry's to Fred Meyer. It is part of the whole Kroger conglomerate. But people, it is a pitiful substitution for my beloved FM.

How can it be so bad you ask? Let me tell you:

Strike one: the aisles aren't wide enough for two carts to comfortably pass each other. Strike two: the first jar of peanut butter I grabbed was leaking all over and gave me greasy hands. Strike three: they do not carry prosciutto or pancetta, or any other cured meat that is better than bacon and delicious when wrapped around almost any vegetable and roasted. Strike four (okay, I know there are only three strikes in a "strike" series, but I couldn't come up with anything better at this exact moment - forgive me): the checkout boy made a comment about my huge order and I said that I had just moved and instead of being nice he said, "I'm sorry." Lame checkout boy. Then he made it worse by saying, "Where did you come from?" "Seattle." "You should have stayed there." Doubly lame checkout boy.

See. Not Fred Meyer.

And now, for the final news of the day, which has nothing to do with groceries or Fred Meyer or my underwear, and which I was not anticipating having to write about, but now must because I hear hobbling upstairs, Andy has come home injured.

I wasn't blogging when Andy was ultimate fighting, but if I had been, I would have told you about his unnatural ability and willingness to continue life-as-normal with a major injury. One of our dear friends and mentors once described Andy by saying, "He's the kind of guy that would go hunting and get shot and forget to tell Emily about it until two weeks later."

A truer word was never spoken.

So when he comes home and nonchalantly says, "I think I hurt my ankle." That means something serious.

He went out tonight to play football with some of the guys from our neighborhood and came home happy. In the same sentence when he was smugly telling me about his interceptions and catches he removed his shoes and said, "that is not normal."

Me: No honey!

Me: Please tell me you didn't just go out and damage yourself!

Me: Really?

Me: Aw man!

Me: Honey!

Me: Is it broken?

Andy - unconvincingly: Nah.

Me: Honey!

Me: Honey!

Me: Oh man.

It looks awful. And if it even registers as annoying to Andy, then it is pretty bad. I wasn't able to convince him that it was worth a trip to the walk-in-clinic tonight, but tomorrow might be a different story. So, you may be hearing from me soon about navigating new hospitals and doctors in Arizona. Let's just hope they are more careful with their patients than the grocery stores are with their merchandise!

First Impressions

I am having trouble believing that it has been only a little more than a week since I loaded up my minivan with books and a lamp and boys that I love, and drove ... and drove and drove and drove ... to a new home.

The drive actually went about as marvelously as it could have. Jack and Joey did so well. I am continually amazed at how resilient and able my children are. Children in general actually. I find that I often underestimate what my boys are capable of.

So far, Tucson is much more lovely than I was imagining. It has its own special look - that just happens to be so-not-Northwest. It is prickly and angular and very, very bright. Currently, it is also surprisingly cold. I am charmed by the giant shifts in temperature throughout the day. Yesterday I could see my breath when I walked out in the morning and by the middle of the afternoon I was ready to shed all my layers and lounge around in just my tee-shirt.

We found a lovely house to rent from a fun young couple who just happened to be making a quick out-of-state move at the same time we were. It is a little bit out of the city which means we will commute to all of our activities and I'll have to be efficient and thoughtful in my grocery and meal planning - but there are serious perks that made it work the drive for us. We are situated in a new community that is full of parks and the coolest pool you have ever seen! There are walking trails throughout the development and an elementary school right in the neighborhood.

We have only been in the house for a day, and that was spent unloading our moving truck and unpacking boxes, but so far I've seen small children run out from most of our neighbors' houses. I am looking forward to baking a big batch of something and introducing my family to the neighbors.

After a couple of interviews, we found a new CrossFit gym. There were two we were interested in. One was close to us and one was a little further away, but we picked the further one because the people there were significantly more friendly than the close one. They also have a beautiful gym that is situated in the artsy-est street I have discovered in Tucson yet. The doors on all the neighboring buildings are bright red or turquoise. There is a set of stairs painted a brilliant orange with teal tiles and one of the windows has some beautiful deep blue scrollwork on its screens. The gym also has a backyard set up for kids and when we were there last week, Jack didn't want to leave!

When I walked into the gym last week they were sharing their space with an art class. Very fun! I am looking forward to hunting out more colorful parts of the city. It seems that there are VERY distinct districts within Tucson. The "don't drive past that line" streets and the streets that attract artists and foodies. Because we have been getting our house squared away, we haven't even had time to wander through the city. We have just been finding the necessities.

I noticed that my list of "necessities" includes mostly things that fit into how I did life at home. Trader Joe's, Costco, Target, Starbucks ... and as I was checking off my list of need-to-know-locations, I decided something. I decided that the point of this whole Arizona Adventure isn't to just recreate my Washington-life in a new state. I want to be open to new ways of structuring my days and leave space for new attitudes and relationships to grow.

I feel so privileged to have this chance to adventure with my family. I don't want to forget that this truly is a gift. I want to be sure to be grateful and humble and open, not just waiting for good to happen to us - but seeking it out and being the one to plant goodness when we see needs and opportunities.

So even as I unpack, and try desperately to keep my family hydrated, and navigate new roads, I am praying for a heart that loves Tucson and sees God's hand, and hears his heart while we are here.

I'm off to moisturize my hands and continue wading through our boxes of life.

Enjoy your day friends!

Beyond the Basics

As a follow up to the big announcement, I want to give a little bit of context.

In the course of a weekend, Andy and I decided to move our whole family to another state. A state that in my mind is about as different from my Pacific Northwest home as you can get. Well, maybe somewhere in the mid-west would be more different, but in my imagining Arizona is about the complete opposite of Washington.

How did we do that?

Why did we do that?

I can tell you one thing, this is not a giant act of obedience or a "God told us to go" sort of situation. It was more like the opportunity opened up and God said, "Here are two good choices. Either one will be fine."

Not cosmic, I know.

But I recently read something that said that God doesn't speak to everyone in the same way, but how he speaks to one person tends to be consistent. I love that idea. It means that I am not responsible to hear God in the same way that my friend or pastor or dad does, but I am responsible to recognize how God consistently speaks to me.

And I am pretty sure he gives me choices.

This last year of our lives has been long and full of strain. Andy and I have both been worn down, but have tried hard to continue in the things we have felt are important.

The problem is, neither of us have had enough in reserve to feel successful in the areas we want to be significant in our lives. For each of us, things that are very important to us have suffered, simply because our capacity has been too small for our vision.

Once Arizona (Tucson) was on the discussion board, we suddenly were dreaming of what it would be like to rest, to dedicate some time to knowing our boys and knowing each other and knowing ourselves better.

The way we have been living didn't leave much space for going slow or much energy for laughing and playing and trying new things. Do you know that feeling when small changes no longer are enough to keep you healthy? And something in your life needs a serious overhaul? That is what we felt like.

Only we didn't really see it until the legitimate possibility of a move entered into the conversation.

We saw where we were in a new light and decided that we would take an opportunity to make some extra space in our lives.

A significant part of the decision to move has also included Andy taking time off of school. Full time work and full time school have been a huge draw on the time and energy of our family. So for the next year, we have committed to Andy being out of school.

His heart is still turned toward teaching and finishing his education, but our hope is that we will all be better able to make it through the last season of his program when we are rested and recharged.

But besides giving ourselves some space we just really feel like, "Why not?"

We have always said we want to be people who are adventurous, and willing to live in a way that isn't quite traditional and here is a great big chance to do it.

So Arizona, here we come!

We are packing our boxes and looking for houses and building up our iTunes account with new music and podcasts and books on tape because, man, is it going to be a long drive!

In the midst of all the details to get us there we are excited and so looking forward to what might happen as we give our family room to grow deep roots and bear sweet fruit.

Just the Basics

"It could be a disaster, it could be a golden-year, but most likely it will be a little bit of both and something in-between."

That is what I told my grandma when I let her know that Andy and are moving to Arizona.

In two weeks.

That's right folks.

Andy and I have officially given into a dream and are following the yellow brick road.

Whether the path leads us to the Emerald City or to the lair of the evil flying monkeys has yet to be determined.

Let's back up a mite, shall we?

Several months ago Andy used his joking voice to let me know of a job opening in his company's Tucson shop. For the same position he holds here, just in a sunnier state.

Several days ago, after living in total chaos for a week, I used my joking voice to say, "Hey, how about that job in Arizona?!"

Then, all of a sudden, without even meaning to, we were both using our serious voices to discuss what it could and would mean and if we would really be interested in a major shift of lifestyle.

Turns out we both WERE interested. So Andy talked to his boss and wouldn't you know it, the job was still open, but just, and so Andy signed his name on a few sheets of paper and ta da! We are packing our things and driving to Arizona in about 13 days.

The first week after the decision was made was pretty thrilling.

The last two days, as goodbyes have started, have been pretty heart-wrenching.

In a little while, when I'm not feeling so emotionally taxed, I will explain more about what we hope to accomplish with the move and some of the most motivating factors - but today, I think I can only manage the basics.

There is still a sense that this isn't really happening and I have a small hope, married to a small fear, that seeing it written, in my own words, on my own blog, will settle some of the flutter in my brain and heart.

Let it be known, that I am VERY excited about the possibilities before me and my family.

And let it also be known, that I am mourning the life we have loved in Washington and the fact that it will stay and we are going.

It occurred to me that this is the very first time I have had to deal with significant loss. It feels very strange to know that my own choices are causing such sadness, and that behind and next to and in front of and all around that sadness are other emotions: expectation, hope, fear, enthusiasm, love and joy and peace.

I feel compelled to DO something with all of these emotions. I feel a need to reign them in and tame them. But I'm not sure that is really the point. They are part of this adventure, and part of this life and I think I don't want to miss this part.

I'm in-between again.

So, prepare for a peppering of thoughts on moving, both poetic and practical. You will probably hear more about Washington vs. Arizona for a while than CrossFit (gasp!), so just be ready.

And, by the way, the first thing we did after putting the move on the table as a legitimate possibility was to look up the available CrossFit gyms in the area. There are four. We will be in CrossFit heaven.

True Story.