Well, you are right about the silly part, but I do have a line of reasoning that at one time sounded logical to me.
I'm not sure about that now.
You can judge:
- My last several posts have been VERY long and I was trying to practice brevity today.
- I thought I would save this post (not all the explaining part, but what will come) for tomorrow so that I would have something to entertain you with, but it won't leave my mind so I have to do it NOW.
- I wanted to tell you about Jack's trim, but it didn't really flow with my other thoughts.
- I'm just like that some times.
So here is what I have been thinking:
Do you have in mind a way that you find yourself asking God to use you? Is there something that just calls to you, but you know you can't tackle with your own strength?
That might not be clear. Let me try again.
For example. Do you really wish you could influence high schoolers to develop a sincere and deep relationship with God? Do you ask God to give you the gift of healing, even while at the same time you would be terrified if he actually did? Do you long to be used to lead individuals to a place of intimacy with their Creator through worship?
I long to be used. But I am afraid of it too. To open myself up to be sent, to be available, to be obedient means that I relinquish control. It means that my actions would reflect GOD's glory, not feed my own selfish ambition. It means that I might see miracles and I honestly don't know how I would respond to signs and wonders.
I love Jesus. I am grateful. I pray, read my bible and journal. At the same time I am immersed in a culture of depression, cynicism and judgment, not to mention the "I did it my way" mentality that is so forcefully promoted. To be called by a big God means that he might actually do big things around me. I might be "that weird Christian girl."
That is just a tiny bit scary.
But it is what I crave.
I know that I honor God by loving my husband, by stewarding well what He has given us, by praying over my baby. I also know that my faithfulness with the little things is essential. I can't help but wonder though, will I ever be trusted with something bigger?
But big and little are my own definitions. I am certain that God does not see the impact of me cheering on my husband as any less important than a pastor preaching to hundreds or a worship leader writing a beautiful song. My scope is so limited. God sees the ripples that go out from my obedience and, to HIM, they matter.
If I could choose where to be sent, I would choose hurting marriages. It feels foolish to even say. Andy and I have been wed for two years, which is not all that long, but in those two years I have been so challenged and rewarded. I have seen how easily bad habits form and I have experienced the deep joy that comes from being in a unified relationship.
We have all heard, "marriage takes work." No matter how much it is touted, it is still ambiguous. What does that mean? What kind of work?
I think, by God's infinite grace, I am starting to understand.
I hurt for husbands and wives who seem burdened by their wedding bands. I am pained to hear sharp criticism come from the mouth of a woman toward her spouse, whether he is present or not. I am crushed to see my peers buried in busyness, obligation and performance instead of filled with life and freedom.
A sense of urgency has been growing in my spirit. It cannot wait until I am "more experienced" or "older" or whatever. If my spirit is stirred, it is called.
Yet I am still afraid.
I think that fear is good. It reminds me that I, Emily, will not be the one to change marriages. I, Emily, will not be the one to speak truth. I, Emily, am simply a woman who has opened herself to Jesus Christ to be used as HE sees fit.
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom..." Proverbs 9:10
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12
So I set forth today, acknowledging to you all that I have opened myself up to God's lead in a fresh way. Until I see the next step, I will stand tall in my youth, inexperience and fear, and believe that God is my god and he is delighted to send me.
Your prayers are greatly appreciated.