A Party

I considered throwing a last minute party tonight.

A pity party.

But I didn't think anyone would come.

And I don't have anything to wear.

And truly, I don't want to wallow in my failings or the shortcomings of the world around me for too long.

But some nights, it is oh, so tempting.

After making it through my entire first pregnancy with a smooth, unmarked belly, I confidently entered the previous eight months with little fear as to the state of my skin. But 38 and a half weeks into this journey I discovered tonight that I have been marked forever as a mother.

I have stretch marks.

I have never in my life worn a bikini.

I didn't think it was ever an option until I started training last year for the triathlon. When I found out I was pregnant the second time, I told myself that after this baby that would be my goal... to wear a two-piece swimsuit sometime before I turned 30.

Side Note:

The stipulations on this

is that it has to be to a beach

that there is no chance

of running into anyone

that I will ever see again in my life,

so basically,

it means Andy needs to take me

some place for vacation.

Now, that dream will never be realized. I am too white (and too opposed to tanning) to even think about exposing my midriff if it is crisscrossed with permanent purple lines - telling the world that I went overboard with the cookies and "let myself go" as I grew my second baby.

To amplify the horror of discovering the permanent marks of my hugeness I have an adorable and hunky husband who has faithfully got himself out of bed and to the gym five mornings of the week and now is sauntering around the house with a physique like Hugh Jackman. I'm NOT EVEN JOKING.

Do you have any idea how intimidating it is to be married to a man who has a body like that? The pressure!!! I'm not sure I can take it.

When I try and explain this dis-ease with what my body has become, everyone says, "Oh, you're pregnant, don't worry!" But that is the problem. I'm not going to be pregnant forever (please, please, please let this be true!). Soon I won't have the excuse and I'll have to come to terms with what my body has become and own up to each soft spot, bumpy thigh and flabby arm.

Okay, you are probably thinking right now that I am extremely prideful and self-indulgent and more than a little pathetic. I know that about myself. I'm working on it.

In the past few weeks I have gone up and down through the days - either having revived confidence in my ability to take on TWO little guys instead of just one or being totally overwhelmed by the idea that in a few short days (hopefully less than that!) I will be once again be consumed with a newborn.

I felt like I was just getting the hang of life as a mom, and thriving in it, only to be sent back to the beginning. I have no idea what Joey's entrance into our lives is going bring. I pray it will be joy and sweet moments, but I also know that those will be tempered with long nights, heavy diaper bags, and extra laundry.

Truth be told, I'm scared.

A second truth be told: I am so ready to have Joey that everything feels traumatic. I'm hot all the time and none of my shirts cover my stomach. My back hurts and my feet hurt and I don't care at all that my hair is never fixed because really, what is the point right now.

So I know that stretch marks aren't the end of the world, and I know that Joey's arrival will be wonderful, and I know that my body and emotions are taxed to a point that sometimes just results in meltdowns. Founded or not.

This one is probably not founded, and I am aware of that.

But sometimes, a girls just needs to get a few things off her chest.

Please hear me say that.

I know I'm being silly and dramatic.

But doesn't it help sometimes

to just go overboard?!

Let it also be known that after discovering my scars I also had half a bath of water dumped on my by a feisty toddler, had broccoli thrown at me by said toddler, made dinner to have it hot when my honey got home from school, only to discover that I got my days mixed up and he was going to be an hour later than I thought and what was once a nice hot Welcome Home! Dinner will now be a stale, reheated, not so exciting dinner.

Sooooo...

When all is said and done, I guess I did throw the party after all. Thanks for coming. Now to get down to the business of picking up the place. Parties make such a mess!

I Feel a Rant Coming On

I'm sitting on my living room floor, folding laundry and watching the most recent episode of What Not To Wear. You all know how much I love WNTW... but guys. I feel a rant coming on.

As they often do, Clinton and Stacy are making over a poor, sloppy mom. It happens to be "Blossom." I can't seem to remember her real name just now. I never watched Blossom, but I like the way the actress talks. She is very well spoken and uses nice, big words.

But what is making me want to rant is that she keeps saying, "I don't have time for me." "I'm such a busy mom."  Blah blah blah!!!!

PEOPLE!!!

I can NOT stand this refrain that is sung over and over and over to, and from, moms. I am a mom. I get messy. My clothes get ruined. I get tired some days. I spend many, many hours with a baby in tow. But it does NOT mean that I only think about me as a mom and it does not mean that Jack is my ONLY consideration when I get dressed and it most defiantly does not mean that I order my life to accommodate every single whim of the small person in my home.

Where is the balance? How did it come to be that moms are expected to be 100% about their kids, but at the same moment are bombarded with magazine articles and makeover shows helping them "fix" their "it is all about the kids" attitude?

I know we are getting into sensitive territory. Motherhood is very personal. 

In addition to wadding through all the media stores, cultural expectations and church stigmas, moms also face the physical effects of sleep deprivation and hormonal fluctuations. The combination of these factors make it so hard to make decisions that we are proud of or even feel like we have a choice in how we do things. 

But doesn't something seem amiss?

I've pondered for the last few weeks now about writing about how I've come to view motherhood and the things I've been learning as a whole woman in this season. I am finding that I have strong opinions.

However, the timing doesn't seem quite right yet.  And, truth be told, it is frightening to put my thoughts about parenting out there to be criticized and questioned. I don't want to add to the mountain of information that is really just opinion.  I KNOW that what works for me will not work for someone else. I KNOW that what works for our family this week will most likely not work next month.

But I also know that I am doing my best to listen to the Holy Spirit and am trying to approach each day with a big perspective. Letting "mother" be an appropriate part of the whole. 

So maybe some day I'll work up the courage to publicly put to paper where Andy and I are coming from, and more importantly,  what we're moving toward, as parents. But for today, I will simply turn off yet another show that tries to tell me that all mothers must surrender themselves, fashion and soul, to their children. 

And I will pray for the moms that I know.

Pray for courage, for peace, for freedom from lies that have worked their way into family dynamics. 

To all of you moms, and yet to be mothers, I'm cheering for you. Our roles ARE important. You ARE a great mom. And you most defiantly can be the most stunning and fresh version of YOURSELF while you parent. 

So DO IT!